by - Cary B. Abend
There are documented accounts of "negative" or "black hole" intelligence whereby the person in question actually sucks intelligence permanently from the people in the nearby area. This wouldn't be so bad if knowledge or ability or potential were transferred from one to another, but this is not the case. The unfortunate soul affected loses capabilities and the recipient appears to not experience any gains.
Scientists at NIMH and CDC theorise that intelligence quanta get sucked out of the smart people and into a "transmission" field before journeying into the black hole. This transmission field is an extension of the black hole's intelligence aura, and multiplies incoming intelligence quanta by -1 (hence negative intelligence) before incorporating it into the recipient individual. Thus, both individuals lose ground.
Scientists have further discovered that placing two such black holes in proximity has an unexpected and startling result. One would think that one black hole would multiply the other by -1 and then actually add the considerable positive intelligence quotient. Since Zero Intelligence is known to be a field barrier (IQ must either be positive or negative, but cannot switch) one would expect that one of the black holes would become supremely brilliant and the other _really_ dumb.
Scientists have dubbed the actual phenomenon "Disastrous Reciprocal Intellect Precipitation" or DRIP. Two black holes in proximity will simultaneously send and receive intelligence to another, both becoming progressively more negative, until one becomes negatively infinite, at which point, the other goes infinite as well. The two then resonate between asymptotes until the stress limits of their skulls are exceeded. Both brains then cataclysmically explode leaving no traces of either body.
Dr. Imnot Fereel, PhD at CDC described the phenomena:
"When we brought the second subject into proximity, a crackling energy discharge seemed to flow between them. Then the two subjects were drawn together with great force so that their skulls touched. A sucking sound rapidly increased in pitch until it passed beyond detection. Next, the area of cranial contact seemed to pull away in all dimensions, similar to the transport/illusion effect in Highlander 3, except that it stayed "out." The light in the area greyed out to black and then we heard space itself (or maybe it was just their skulls) begin to rend as darkness engulfed more of the room. A great bang occurred as the darkness passed the subjects' feet. When the light returned, nothing was left."
NIMH tried a similar experiment with restrained subjects, that resulted in a brilliant continuous energy flow between subjects, whose nexus "pulled away" followed by the subjects being ripped from their bonds and drawn together. Both subjects then blew up.
Therefore, it has been determined that there is no lower bound for intelligence at which life functions cease, unless another person of similar intelligence is nearby.
The CDC has issued a warning against coming into proximity of any such individuals or your brains will be sucked out.
(This note placed for the benefit of the impaired: This whole post has been a SATIRE! It might have been SARTRE, but it would have still been incomprehensible to you anyways. Please continue with your day.)