| Bobspeak | Luserspeak |
|---|---|
| at | "small a in a circle", "spirally thing" |
| tilde | "squiggly thing", "that spanish thing" |
| ampersand | "the general mills logo" |
| pound | "that tic-tac-toe board" |
| slash | "forward(backwards) slash"[0] |
| back slash | "backwards(forward) slash" |
| shift | "the one on the right or the one on the left?" |
| return | "mine says enter." |
| enter | "mine says return."[1] |
| delete | "it's not there. oh, there it is." |
| memory, RAM | "572 M available on the drive." |
| modem speed | "it's a Pentium 120."[2] |
| URL | "web number", "internet number", "channel" |
| colon | "dot-dot"[3] |
| logging in | "signing up", "turning on", "booting the internet" |
| the Internet | "your internet", "your web", "Netscape" |
| the World-Wide Web | "Netscape" |
| dialer program | "Netscape |
| Microsoft Internet Explorer | "Microsoft Netscape" |
| Workstation (pizza box) | the hard drive |
| Workstation (tower case) | the big modem |
| External hard drive | the little modem |
| External hard drive | monitor stand |
| Rack containing server, tape drive, modems etc. |
that rig |
| Router | the box on top of that rig |
| Console window | Oh, I never found any use fo that, so I got rid of it. |
| modem | What modem? (after 15 minutes) Oh, there it is! |
| Tech support | Those guys who can never understand what you're saying when you computer doesn't work. |
| I have tried connecting using the Dial-up Networking dialer, but after it tries to authenticate my username and password, I get an error message. | "It won't let me connect." |
| I have tried connecting using the Dial-up Networking dialer, but after it tries to authenticate my username and password, it tells me that Dia-up Networking is unable to establish a working dial-up connection, and I should check my server types settings | "I go to connect and it doesn't do it." |
| $150 VT320 terminal for rack containing server, tape drive modems etc, without which the entire $400K system is useless | We heard the latest version of the software doesn't need that, so we disconected it |
| "All my software is corrupt!" | "I haven't registered one of the packages." |
| "But I have on-site cover." | "My 12 month return to base warranty ended 18 months ago." |
| "Just a quick question." | "Answering this will eat up your lunch break." |
| "My machine is broken." | "It is not broken. I didn't bother to finish reading the installation instructions". |
| "You're so kind and helpful, not like those others." | "Sucker!" |
| "If you don't give me support NOW! I will return this machine I have just bought from you and tell the computer press what a bunch of sh*** and con artists you are." | I have just started dealing in computers, this machine is the only thing I have bought, the engineer I have hired to find the non-existent fault is robbing me blind, and I'm taking it out on you because you should not have let me such a fool of myself. |
| One of our printers isn't working. | None of our printers are working. |
| This has happened to one client, but any little problem that I find now, I'll blame on the problem. | This is happening to all of our clients. |
| I've tried once and you're wasting my time making me do it again. | I've tried several times and it didn't work. |
| "I had an error message" | "it doesn't work" |
| "I haven't run it" | "It's not doing anything" |
| "I'm using my modem for faxes" | "Your software can't use my modem" |
| "I'm gonna call some other tech support office till I run out of numbers" | "So there's nothing you can recommend?" |
[0] It never fails. One luser will call a \ backslash, the next
will say forward slash[4].
[1] Again, it never fails.
[2] Alternatively, when asking "Is your modem an internal or
external", you will undoubtedly get an answer such as "It's an Intel Pentium."
[3] I think this pisses me off the most. Folks should know what a
colon is, typographically speaking. Tildes and pounds are one thing, a colon is
another. Plain and simple.
[4] Or even "backwards backslash". Yow!