Voice mail options will be changed at least every Monday to ensure that customers
have to listen to an endless list of options before being able to make a choice.
Be sure to put "Speak to tech support team member" at the very end of
the list right after "If you need to order a instruction manual in
Mandarin, press 202."
If a customer calls in with a software problem, immediately blame their hardware.
In order to maintain good customer relations, only put a caller on hold if your
taking a 15-30 min coffee break. If your going to lunch for a full hour take
their number. Then throw it away and wait for them to call back.
If a customer calls in with a hardware problem, immediately blame their software.
Remember: To the customer you're a god, a
genius who's 100 smarter than they are. Feel free to talk down to them. NOTE:
Don't worry about answering questions from computer savvy nerds. Since they
don't call tech support, you'll never have to answer a question you can't
bullshit your way out of.
If you have no idea what the customer is talking about simply tell them "You
obviously don't have the latest drivers". Then instruct them to
search the Internet for the latest update-that'll keep them busy for at least a
month.
If it turns out luser is calling with a valid problem (as if!) simply tell them
"I've never heard of that happening before, but I'll ask one of the
senior engineers. Please hold." then, after your coffee break, come
back with some highly technical, vague, confusing instructions on how to fix it.
AOL is the official scapegoat for any hardware or software problems a customer
might experience. AOL has screwed up so much over the last two years that anyone
will accept AOL as the cause of the problem-even if they don't have AOL!
Always be sure to ask the luser to list the other programs they have installed on
their machine. When the get to number three, immediately blurt out "Oh
there your problem. That program isn't compatible with ours!"
As an absolute last resort tell the luser that an upgrade or patch that will fix
everything will be available in two months "Would you like to continue to
hold?"