TechSupport Guy

SteveD sends apologies to Billy Joel

I am the TechSupport Guy
I answer all the phones
I'm here to state the obvious
In careful measured tones
The software and the hardware
I know their many parts
And we're all the same, so forget my name
And don't call back, go and read the FAQ
Cos I'm polishing my LARTS.

I am the TechSupport Guy
I've got my bag of tricks
And if a system's different
I'll learn it just for kicks
But still the lusers haunt me
They try and have their say
But the problem with their trying is I know that they're lying
So I roll my eyes till we get to goodbyes
And they go their merry way.

I am the TechSupport Guy
Know which files come from who
I'm logging when they download pics
From alt.sex.beasties.zoo
It can be very useful
If they call me more than twice
An anonymous call
To their boss down the hall
And they're carried out on ice.

I am the TechSupport Guy
I suffer mental strain
When lusers call me on the phone
Without engaging brain
I've found a way to ease it
So the lusers take the brunt
I just charge them double for my time and my trouble
And for every lack of clue there's some extra charges too
And I ask for cash up front.

I am the TechSupport Guy
They call me for advice
And if they insist that they know what they're doing
There's an increase in the price
If they knew that much about it
Instead of feeding me a line
They would have known the tricks you need for putting in a fix
And their vast computer powers could have saved them several hours
Instead of wasting mine.

I am the TechSupport Guy
If you call me up you'll find
Sarcastic quips may fly your way
If I feel so inclined
You've seen me on the network
I write the "how-to" docs
They're not that obscure, they're a technical cure
So remember to heed me when I point to the README
On how to use your box.

I am the TechSupport Guy
I answer all the phones
I'm here to state the obvious
In careful measured tones
The software and your hardware
I know their many parts
We're all the same, so forget my name
And don't call back, go and read the FAQ
Cos I'm polishing my LARTS.

verse